Please excuse paragraph layout;once again, its the site!
A man walked into a bar. Work’s been tough. He checks the time, it’s 1:45.
‘Right, old boy, you’ve got forty-five minutes before you have to get back to work!’ he thought to himself. He went to the bar and ordered a beer. He takes a sip-it’s empty!
He went to the bar and ordered another…
Another man walks into a bar. He’s happy. He has just got the divorce papers through from that she-beast he called ‘sweetie’. Everything’s good! Little does he know that, in his excitement, he has forsaken his work as a road maintenance worker. Little does he know that a set of traffic lights are broken. Little does he know that his error would have the worst consequences…
The other man in the other bar looks at his watch with a drunken cry. It was 3:30! He stumbled in to his car and sped off, his inhibitions lost.
The school bell rang. Children rushed out of the gate with triumphant cries of freedom. Eventually, the throng thinned until just a boy and a girl, walked side by side, giggling at a private joke. Stumbling with laughter, they turned down London Road. The traffic lights said green. They stepped out…
The drunken man is in a rush. He’s late for work. Again. As a shortcut, he takes a detour- down London Road. As he drove he saw a set of traffic lights; they were green. Perfect.
Then two children appeared out of no-where. He slammed on the brake and the car burst forward with a roar of speed. Then everything went twisted. The children turned, surprise dawning on their faces. The boy pushes the girl, she stumbles on to the pavement and whirls round just in time to see her friend disappear under the wheel. “CHARLIE!” But the car keeps going. Leaving the small girl to pick up the pieces.
Then the ambulance came and the man shook his head and after that, all Michelle remembers is the pavement
She fainted.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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'Ello Woozey. As I was reading this I noticed that you kept jumping between past and present tense.
yes please...i need points for improvment! glad you liked it though. part 3 is in process! x
I like it. Great job, nice follow-up for the first chapter. I don't have time for a full review, but I will later if you want.